***This post was updated on the 2nd September 2017, to be more transparent about some of the emotional dynamics being played out within the family
The following post includes a breakdown of the family experiment we undertook over a month, the purpose, aims and some benefits. It explains the who, what, where, when and why, some of our findings, personal feedback and participant reflections, followed by possibilities for the experiment and where we are headed now with the God’s Way of Education Programme and follow up experiments.
In June Jesus & Mary made an interesting suggestion about a “family experiment” for the God’s Way of Education Project.
The purpose of the experiment is for the adults in the family to become more aware of the unloving family dynamics between themselves and how this impacts their intimate relationship and relationship with the children. Part of the purpose was to document the entire experiment, including the process, events, feelings and experiences for each person involved for God’s Way of Education Project.
After some consideration and clarification (because initially we didn’t fully understand the implications, principles or what the project actually involved) Tristan, Pete & I, plus by default the kids, decided to go ahead and engage the experiment.
Pete and I felt somewhat nervous as we were warned it would be challenging, but the desire to engage the opportunity was greater and away we went.
Following is a breakdown of what occurred
Purpose, Aims & Benefits:
- Feeling the reality of where our family is at right now
- Recognising where we are out of harmony with God’s Laws
- Recognising sin we are currently resistive to seeing & feeling
- Becoming aware of the real issues rather than remaining “blind” to them
- Challenging addictions and co-dependence in relationships
- Recognising that there is a problem in what we have been defining as “normal” within the family
- Becoming happier, more truthful and loving people
- Gaining an education on what truly loving interactions between intimate partners feels like from God’s perspective
- Gaining an education on what truly loving relationships between children and parents feels like from God’s perspective
- Recognising emotions and encouraging and allowing personal emotional experience
- Making time for emotions. Making emotional expression the number one priority for personal change to occur
- Gaining an education and training in how to conduct and partake in emotional experiments
- Sharing the experiment with others who may be interested
- Because there was desire and motivation for the idea and we wanted to give it a go, we also felt it would be a good experience for the God’s Way Education Project
Mentors: Jesus & Mary
Participants: A family of 2 adults and 3 children (Eloisa, Pete & kids)
The experiment began on the 17th of July and went till 14th of August 2017
Pete and Eloisa’s homes, Queensland Australia
Specialised Home stay Experiment (Tris has come up with the idea of a specialised and general home stay, the specialised is defined below).
Specialised home stay: is for families where one parent is being consistently unloving in their intentions, attitudes, and actions to another the Educator conducts a specialised home stay to remedy this problem first.
Pete is currently treating Eloisa in an emotionally abusive, manipulative manner. This is the first issue that needs to be resolved as it will expose emotions in both parties that need to be worked through. The aim of the experiment is for both parties to see this dynamic and to work through the issues that allow it to continue.
The aim is to do this so that Eloisa and Peter can be together and have an equal relationship based on love and truth. We suspect their whole relationship is going to need to be deconstructed and built again.
Quote from Tristan’s blog that can be found at the following location: LINK
The Educator is to live day-to-day with a family for a month.
Over a month the Educator is to notice all unloving, unethical or immoral behaviours or intentions being engaged by anyone in the family. Each time the educator is to stop the family and tell them that they can no longer engage with each other until they sincerely and emotionally work out why they were stopped, what would be the loving thing to do, and then act on that loving behaviour.
If one family member was historically treated badly by the rest of the family members then the rules would be when that person is treated badly next then they would leave to go live in a neutral and comfortable location. Then the rest of the family works out how they had been unloving to that person and come to a sincere and emotional understanding of what would be the loving thing to do. When they have, then the first family member can come back and interact with the rest of the family. In the most resistive cases, this may take a large portion of the allotted experiment time.
All parties to write up journals or logs
Educator to write up parent report at the end of the month detailing the biggest issues and some ideas on what to do next.
Educator to then write up a procedure for others who might want to conduct or have their families be a part of a similar experiment.
This experiment will be a tool Educator may use for engaging with families that want to be a part of any “God’s Way” school in the future.
For many reasons, below are just a few
- The lack of desire to love and resistance to change in one party is causing pain and suffering to others
- The current dynamic is destroying the relationship
- To highlight issues in the family culture that the adults/parents in the family are currently not recognising, or desiring to overlook due to addictive reasons.
- Parents to recognise how their addictions, emotional injuries and belief systems impact the family dynamic, and how they have the ability to change the family culture.
- Parents to recognise they initially created the causes of what the children are reflecting and acting out. They encouraged and allowed unloving addictions, demands and expectations and it is the parents responsibility to re-educate children based on love (once the parents are educated and uphold love this becomes far easier to do.)
Note: if emotional process is engaged by parents and then love and truth is upheld in the family environment it is very easy for children to change.
The fact is parents and guardians are the most invested in how the family currently interacts. They are the main reason why their children enact unloving behaviours and intentions both in the home and out. However most, if not all, parents are unable to see this truth.
Often a parent is trying to correct a child’s behaviour when they themselves have taught them that behaviour through personal agreement with it (but only when it’s the parent doing it) or through encouragement [and or allowance] of that behaviour towards the parents. Either way the child will be unable to make emotional changes if the parents don’t.
I have seen children being completely unaware of their unloving intentions exactly as their parents with their own intentions.
This experiment brings in someone who is not in agreement of the family “status-quo” and highlights constantly the problems as they occur.
(This is not an exhaustive list)
- The experiment was almost terminated due to Pete refusing feel certain emotions that were exposed. He then chose to treat Tristan badly as well as Eloisa. Pete’s resistance to seeing what he is truly doing is an impediment to change in the family
- Pete and Eloisa spent very little time together during the month as each time they were together there was an issue of love that caused Eloisa to have to leave. They are still spending limited time together as the issues are yet to be resolved
- Pete has not been honest with how he actually feels and desires to remain in his facade more than actually being truthful about what is going on. This is still currently the case
- Eloisa’s desire to avoid feeling terror was exposed and reflected in not wanting to uphold love and truth under all circumstances no matter what
- Eloisa’s allowance of bad treatment of herself was highlighted and her addiction to placate angry people was demonstrated
- Facing up to the reality and truth of what is currently going on in their relationship and with the children was confronting and challenging for both Pete and Eloisa
- When we don’t desire to love and rather desire our addictions and facade above all else it can get emotionally nasty
- Emotional abuse and manipulation is very damaging and destroys relationships
- Harming others is a choice not because of anything that has happened to us in the past but because we choose to do it
- Taking loving, truthful action in the moment brings up emotion rapidly
- Allowing emotion to flow every time it comes up takes time, personal effort and desire
- Self reflection and giving time to feeling emotions needs to become a way of life rather than something one does now and then
- Being transparent, honouring truth and love brings consistency, safety and security into a family. Doing the opposite causes pain and reinforces emotional error
- This experiment highlighted that the issues between Pete and Eloisa (parents) are the cause for the issues currently being played out between the children and being reflected in the children’s behaviour. For example there were times when the children played out the manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviour towards each other in the exact same manner it plays out between Pete and Eloisa
- Parents are responsible for the loving authority in a household
- It is the parents’ responsibility to uphold love and truth in a family
- One party upholding a loving space can create change in a family. Both parents upholding a loving space and working towards a common goal I imagine would create more change faster (we have yet to experience this)
- No real or lasting positive change occurs in a family unless parent/s release emotions in themselves that create and or contribute to the current family dynamic
- If there are issues in parents intimate relationship parents will most likely create co-dependant addictions with the children
- Parents desire to not feel emotions causes damage, pain & suffering to selves and others
- Parents desire to avoid feeling emotions prevents children expressing their emotions
- Parents prefer to blame children than take personal responsibility
- Parents are often hypocritical with the desire to change children but not change themselves
- If abuse between parents (emotional, physical, sexual, any type) is happening in a household and one party actively agrees with it and the other allows it this teaches children a number of things, 1. That abuse is okay and they can do the same, and/or 2. That it is okay to be abused and they remain open to being abused, 3. Oscillate between both of the previous points. There might be other things, this is simplified version of what is happening in our family currently.
- Parent emotional addictions cause children to be mis-educated about love and truth
- When parents have addictions they actively encourage or allow addictions in children
- Inter-generational family false beliefs that have not been emotionally released, emotional resistance, and holding onto emotions that not in harmony with love cause harm to children, including emotional pain and suffering, “accidents” and disease
- Children reflect and respond to the environment they are brought up in
- Children quickly respond to positive changes in environment if they are allowed to release emotions
- Children reflect relationship dynamics between parents
- Children become desensitised to their conscience (the inbuilt mechanism God created in the soul to share Truth with His children)
- When the family environment encourages sin and addiction, this means children are encouraged to sin and be addictive. Children often believe that the family dynamic is “right” and “normal” which is very damaging when it is not based on God’s Way
**Link to Tristan’s update on this project
Reflections from participants (Eloisa’s) perspective
I was challenged many times (still am). I found the experiment really tough at times and have yet to go through the emotions that have been exposed in me. I feel confronted owning up to the reality and interplay between myself and Pete and even in this post I initially made out it was better than what it is.
The reality of where Pete’s and my relationship is at and our current family culture and family dynamic sucks and I am not enjoying it.
Coming to terms with the reality of where our relationship is at is emotionally confronting. I lack humility to the emotional confrontation. Accepting that Pete and I are currently in a co-dependant emotionally abusive relationship and actually becoming aware of how this affects our soul and what it feels like doesn’t feel very nice.
The experiment highlighted many areas where I have wanted to avoid confrontation and doing what I know to be loving and true just to avoid certain emotions I find challenging to feel.
I am aware that the issues that I am opening up to are not new, they began in my childhood with my parents, I notice I have resistance to feeling the grief and terror of my childhood experience.
I don’t always remain loving and firm (sometimes I just feel angry and want it all to end and someone else do the loving thing). Those times do pass.
Addictions, lack of ethical behaviour in myself and Pete were pointed out and my desire to allow unloving behaviour and not stand up and honour love and truth when anger and violence is threatened was exposed.
For me the quality of courage needs to be developed and some ‘backbone’ grown so I am the person who stands up and takes the loving action in all situations.
The truth is that both parties in a relationship have issues of love to work through and both parties are responsible for changing in a loving direction.
Actually loving someone, truly, as they are, is not something I have sincerely engaged before. (I am learning that putting up with unloving behaviour is not loving them or yourself)
Upholding God’s Truth, maintaining a loving, truthful space even if that means leaving for a period of time and then returning and re-engaging is a whole new way of relating.
I recognised dynamics that previously I had skipped over, such as how desperately I want others to change and do the loving thing so I don’t have to feel my sadness. How I desire to talk my way out of situations I feel uncomfortable in as a way of avoiding feeling my emotions and placating angry people and how futile this is as nothing changes.
Experiencing taking action in the moment an issue occurs and having it enforced rapidly brought up emotion (such as physically leaving a situation rather than remaining to placate anger actually brought up the emotion as soon as I left. I had never just left before.)
I have found emotions need time. It is one thing to have something pointed out to me, another to actually investigate, discover and feel the real feeling. It took time of just being with myself and feeling whatever it is that I felt.
Having truthful conversations about what I really truly feel brings up emotions. The main issue is being humble or not when the emotions come up. If yes good things happen. If no it usually ends up feeling painful and in a fight.
I recognise things that previously I was choosing to remain ignorant of. Having the gift of issues being pointed out in the moment was invaluable, and I feel this is what helped me recognise things I had previously skipped over.
This experiment is challenging and it will turn everything upside down if you choose to engage it. Your relationship and family life will never be the same. I don’t know how it is going to end up personally as I am still engaging the experiment.
The experiment (it is still going for me) is helping me in growing faith and trust in God’s Process.
Though my relationship feels terrible and all kinds of emotional stuff is now exposed, I actually feel better in myself if I address the truth of the situation. I still like Pete, (I don’t like how he treats me ) and want to work out what is happening in our relationship.
I have growing faith that one day Pete and I (if we are soulmates) may actually be happy and totally into each other in a truly loving relationship if I just keep doing everything I can to live The Way to God.
I also realise that if one or both of us choose not to work through our stuff that we may not be together for some time. So I need to work through all my addictive needs so I can truly love.
I would definitely do another home stay if the opportunity is given.
Tris gave Pete and I some feedback that I have included below. It is specific to Pete and my relationship dynamic but I felt it might be useful for others
Feedback to Eloisa
- Focus on what you feel from another, over what they are telling you
- Focus on being strong about “no more unloving interactions towards myself or others”, not angry but relentless in standing up for what is loving and truthful
- Focus on “drawing the line in the sand” in regards to unloving behaviour of every kind in the family
- Be truthful as soon as possible about the intentions you feel
- After you have been truthful be aware of the other person’s subsequent intentions. Not what they are telling you are their intentions
- Prepare consequences for unloving behaviour, enact these consequences after giving them the (brief) chance to change (this was in regards to repeated issues of love that have been raised many times)
- (Optional) Record the unloving behaviour, the consequences and the behaviour you are looking for to be able to rescind the consequences (this is very helpful particularly if you are open to being manipulated easily)
- Do not go back on these consequences until the emotional desire for behaviour has ceased or you have learned you have been unloving in this interaction from God’s perspective
- With adults, you may decide that consequences stay enacted until the desire for the unloving behaviour has ceased permanently, with a sincere and complete show of remorse.
- When you feel your strength slipping understand that someone somewhere is definitely trying to undermine you; this may be family, others or spirits (this is a personal thing that I recognise happening and Tris kindly helped me see it so I can use it as a tool to change what I am currently doing)
Feedback to Pete
- Focus on what love would do above all other concerns. That includes your worries over what partner is/going to say, do or feel
- Be brutally self-analytical. If you do not have an airtight understanding of your intentions as “what love would do”, then all interaction should cease in favour for self-analysis
- Understand that your relationship with resistance is compulsive and as soon as you wish to resist you need to be brutally self-analytical
- Understand no one else is responsible for how you feel or how you have acted
- World wide change in a positive direction in how children are currently treated
- World wide change in a positive direction in regards to same gender or inter-gender relationships
- World wide change in a positive direction on what a loving partner relationship truly is
- World wide change in a positive direction on what parenting truly is
- I feel this experiment has so much potential for all families
- Parents can see where they are at, where they are out of harmony with love, what is truly going on from God’s perspective and once you can see this you have the ability to change
- An opportunity to gain insight and perspective to what is really happening
- Education on how to be more truthful, loving, self responsible individuals, beginning with the parents upholding a loving family environment
- If a loving, truthful environment is upheld there is far more opportunity and possibility for the family culture to completely change in a loving direction.
- Positive change can be engaged by one or both parents.
- I feel both parties changing in a positive direction would be the most beneficial, but even for one parent to make sincere soul based change, or just to see what is truly happening in the family dynamic and begin to stand up for what is loving, truthful, ethical and moral will create positive change for themselves and anyone else in their environment. (As long as they uphold the love and truth they have learned).
I feel much gratitude for having friends who truly love and encourage Pete and I to become better people who honour love and truth above all else.
Thank you to Tristan for spending a month with us, holding a space of love and having a true acceptance of emotional experience even under attack. It was so helpful to see this in action, understanding what and why things are happening in the moment.
Thank you to Jesus and Mary for the suggestion of the experiment, mentoring, encouragement and explaining and sharing Truth with us. Your example and understanding why and what is really going on is extremely helpful.
Where to now
The God’s Way of Education Project is undergoing some modifications.
Having engaged the family experiment Tris realised, and I agree that until the parents make some shifts there is only so much that can happen in educating children.
So Tris is still creating the children’s education programme but the physical lessons are changing with the focus being on parent education. When Tris is ready we will be engaging the Love Education programme as a trial and opportunity to create and write up the Adult Education Programme.
We have realised that without the parents working through emotional issues no change happens for kids and so the Education Project needs to focus on creating a Parent or adult programme simultaneously or before engaging kids.
Following the completion of the official family experiment I decided to continue from where we left off with Pete, plus begin a new experiment involving having the kids on my own for a month.
The purpose was to discover what addictions I have created in the children and how I am allowing and enabling those addictions, and stop doing so.
I also aimed to challenge the addictions in the children simultaneously.
That is another blog in itself, link can be found here.
Until next time,